Phillip Holmes served as a content strategist at desiring
He is the Director of Communications at Reformed Theological Seminary and a finance coach and blogger through his site Money Untangled.
It is a humbling way to live, but it’s real, raw, and truthful. We sit it right beside the pretty and figure out how we’re going to live with it. Do what people say, but be proud of who you are, as long as it doesn’t look like any kind of protest or disobedience.”On top of that, she threw in a few gems about only doing legal things because robbing a gas station is every Black person’s aspiration unless they fight hard not to. What she forgot to mention, however, was how being respectful, productive, proud, and lawful can still get Black people “legally” murdered by police and scared white people. How Black people are refused medical care by the police until they die in custody. I wonder how he feels when he reads her statement that everyone has the same opportunities and choices, completely ignoring the hundreds of years that many choices were illegal for Black people. I asked myself how much work was I willing to do to stay and how much I was willing to compromise for him.
We don’t have the additional stress of inadvertently encoding any children with racism or self-hate. I wonder how he feels when she dismisses his fears as “crazy paranoia.” I wonder if it bothers him that it took another Black man being murdered for her to begin to understand his legitimate concerns.
Finally, she is starting to see what’s been in front of her all of her life. I love how she made it all about her potential loss. I told myself that they didn’t know what they were doing. If only we explained it to them, helped them relate, then they’d understand. It was what helped me stay optimistic about the future and aided me in giving white people the benefit of the doubt.
Not fear about the life he may have to live, but her fear that he may not come home . Over the past three years I’ve seen explanation after explanation and still people deny racism. I don’t give them the benefit of the doubt anymore. It is toxic to both you and your partner, but especially to your children. I hope this woman’s racism is challenged before she does more harm to her family.
I’m lucky because even though it’s hard for him, he admits his racism and actively works to dismantle it. He accepts that there were things he supported in the past that were disgusting. When I read the blogs of other interracial couples, I rarely hear about the ugly. I also liked the shout out to Darrien Hunt, the young Black man who was murdered for cosplaying with an ornamental sword. How scared white people kill Black people asking for help. I wonder if he questions himself when he hears her dismiss the hundreds of laws that explicitly forbade Black people from accessing the same benefits as white people. It was more than I would do now; my patience was in a different place then, but it’s less than other people think it should be, as evidenced by every person asking if Kevin is okay with my essays. He supports what I do and accepts that sometimes my writing will be about our relationship.
If you are worried about your family's reaction to the news that you are dating someone outside your race, you may want to initiate a conversation to let them know and to reassure them about any concerns they may have.
The type of conversation you have may differ depending on whether you live at home or if you are an independent adult.
Now I just understand that if they aren’t challenging racism, they support it. I get that this is her experience and she is doing her best.
I can no longer call my husband’s racism unconscious. Now we both live with the challenge of what that means and how he needs to continue to change and grow.